I've been home for about 2 weeks. I had my visitors come and go and now i am left home a lone most of the time. The weather got better and it seems that everyone has forgotten about me. Its like they all did their deed and moved on while i sit in this house to rot. I don't want to bother people to feel obligated to come visit but i am bored and lonely. I can't do much of anything and worse is that i can't do anything for my kids.
People say that this is when i really see who supports and cares about me the most and right now i am feeling that no one does. No phone calls, no text messages. They all hear that i am doing 'ok' and thats good enough for them to move on with their lives. IM STILL HERE! I have nothing but pajamas, i can't wear underwear. I am uncomfortable, i can't sleep, and worst of all, i can't even look at myself in the mirror.
Ryan says that iu should put myself on the kids schedule again so i can be up when they are so that next week will be easier! WTF? is he going back to work? am i going to have to EVERYTHING again? I can't even reach the fucking bowls to make cereal..oh wait, i can barely lift the milk even if the bowls were accessible.
Whn I see what i see here and people tell me that this is where i will see who really cares about me. i just want to sit in a hole and stay there because thats where everyone sees me. They don't want me or need me. I think i saw 1 person this week that wasn't obligated to see me (like inlaws)
Today, i am sorry i did this. My heart feels so terrible.
I'm so sorry. I don't know you. Just came across your blog and am following it because I'm about to do my pbm. I worry about being lonely going through this. I'm 29 with 2 daughters. I have very few close friends. My husband doesn't seem real onboard with helping a lot post op. I guess I anticipate a little that I might feel like this too. It's a struggle sometimes now to remember the reason i made this decision, I can only imagine how much more real and painful that doubt can be when you're done. I'll just have to remind myself that this was very likely a life saving move and maybe now I get a chance to someday turn into the old lady I thought I'd be before cancer loomed so imminent....only now I will be the grandma with perky boobs. Hang in there.
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