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Monday, February 11, 2013
Randi Shapiro left a message for you
Sunday, September 18, 2011
No wonder no one talks to this part of the family
Do you remember my post about a family member totally minimizing my pain fears? Well, here is the post to refresh your memory. While i was recovering he had called and ryan gave me the phone to talk to him. He was asking how I was doing and I tell him that I was in a lot of pain and its hard to manage. Not surprisingly he says to me 'you are only in as much pain as you think you are!' WHAT THE FUCK? No, i wasn't in pain, i was just thinking i was in pain. Yea, ok!
So, I saw him yesterday and his daughter has recently had a major surgery of her stomach and i wanted to know how she was doing. I have to admit, i have been super busy and crazy with the Hurricane and having our lights out for 7 days, the start of school for the kids and I have gotten my crayons back online (and getting orders). But honestly, she never even called me once, sent me an email or anything. She was hearing of my recovery through family, or possibly her father telling her that i am only thinking i am in agony, but i really am fine and probably could run marathons. If she even cared at all.
So I asked about her and he says something to the fact that they haven't heard from us. I said that ryan has been emailing her and wishing her well and offering whatever. We sent her a get well bouquet etc etc. He started to say something and stopped himself. I swear he was going to say something that we should be calling him and not her. SHE LIVES ON HER OWN and is a big girl. Tonight I did finally make her a card that I have been meaning to make. I will send it out on monday.
Then he proceeds to tell me that she is in a lot of pain and the pain meds aren't cutting it for her. UH, HELLO!!!!!!!! Maybe she just THINKS she is in that much pain. Then tells me she will need another big surgery and so on and so on. He briefly asks how i am doing and i told him i am managing and i exaggerated me getting out of the chair as very uncomfortable. Told him that the incisions finally closed up (which is the truth) about a week ago. Then it was clear he had no idea what i went through because he went on and on about its all behind me blah blah. NO, I have another surgery. I have to go under again. I have to pull my husband out of work, again, to take care of my kids. I have to worry and wonder if anyone would even give two shits about me and wonder if i really am doing this for the right reasons. No one sent me cards, flowers, etc. THEY didn't even come to visit me or even ask to see me. Maybe i was just imagining the whole thing and it was all in my head.
So, I saw him yesterday and his daughter has recently had a major surgery of her stomach and i wanted to know how she was doing. I have to admit, i have been super busy and crazy with the Hurricane and having our lights out for 7 days, the start of school for the kids and I have gotten my crayons back online (and getting orders). But honestly, she never even called me once, sent me an email or anything. She was hearing of my recovery through family, or possibly her father telling her that i am only thinking i am in agony, but i really am fine and probably could run marathons. If she even cared at all.
So I asked about her and he says something to the fact that they haven't heard from us. I said that ryan has been emailing her and wishing her well and offering whatever. We sent her a get well bouquet etc etc. He started to say something and stopped himself. I swear he was going to say something that we should be calling him and not her. SHE LIVES ON HER OWN and is a big girl. Tonight I did finally make her a card that I have been meaning to make. I will send it out on monday.
Then he proceeds to tell me that she is in a lot of pain and the pain meds aren't cutting it for her. UH, HELLO!!!!!!!! Maybe she just THINKS she is in that much pain. Then tells me she will need another big surgery and so on and so on. He briefly asks how i am doing and i told him i am managing and i exaggerated me getting out of the chair as very uncomfortable. Told him that the incisions finally closed up (which is the truth) about a week ago. Then it was clear he had no idea what i went through because he went on and on about its all behind me blah blah. NO, I have another surgery. I have to go under again. I have to pull my husband out of work, again, to take care of my kids. I have to worry and wonder if anyone would even give two shits about me and wonder if i really am doing this for the right reasons. No one sent me cards, flowers, etc. THEY didn't even come to visit me or even ask to see me. Maybe i was just imagining the whole thing and it was all in my head.
Ah Ha, not!
2 months out and here i am. I am still alive and i am back to business as usual. Doing laundry, fighting with the kids, dodging the husband..you know, the normal. I have been waiting all this time for that Ah Ha moment that everyone in my position was telling me about. That sigh of relief, that feeling of WOW! That light that turns on and makes life seem so much better and sweeter. I don't feel any of that. I have tried to talk to the husband about it and he says that he thinks that if i have actually had cancer I may have felt all that. That this was really a relief but the fact that there was nothing wrong and that there was no rush and anxiety about what was actually inside of me it doesn't carry that much weight in my mind.
It sucks because I was hoping for it. Maybe going through such a large surgery and long recovery that I would feel that big boom of life is much better. Therapist says that I am still expecting too much and that the only way I will feel that way is to make myself think that way..does that make sense?
It sucks because I was hoping for it. Maybe going through such a large surgery and long recovery that I would feel that big boom of life is much better. Therapist says that I am still expecting too much and that the only way I will feel that way is to make myself think that way..does that make sense?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
sorry
i am now 2 months post op. I have no excuse for not posting. I have been doing ok. I am sleeping on my side finally and sometimes even on my belly. life has been crazy with the end of camp, the hubby going back to work and school starting for the kids. Its like nothing has changed. I am still miserable, my kids drive me nuts and my husband rarely, if at all, helps me. Stress with my son and school and his meds are just out of control. I wish he would just swallow pills and make things so much easier for me and him. Thats another day.
Im healing well and that is what is important, right? The nipples and fobs look like they just have red circles around them and I have discovered that my doc decided to use a piece of my belly that has stretch marks!!!! Good thing they get hidden under the nipples.
Ill try to keep up and use this as a place to talk out loud. Its been hard. I just wish I felt emotionally better.
Im healing well and that is what is important, right? The nipples and fobs look like they just have red circles around them and I have discovered that my doc decided to use a piece of my belly that has stretch marks!!!! Good thing they get hidden under the nipples.
Ill try to keep up and use this as a place to talk out loud. Its been hard. I just wish I felt emotionally better.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
18 days post op
I had my appointment with the PS yesterday. Things are healing fine and I'm doing well physically. He reminded us that this is a MULTI month recovery and not just a few weeks. I am still uncomfortable and can't sleep on anything but my back.
I think the worst is that I am miserable emotionally. I had sent out an email to close friends to gently remind them of my status and not to forget about me. Its scary how this situation really does show peoples real feelings. I really feel that its ok to say that you are friends with me and even say that you care. But seriously, when you know I have been home for at least 2 weeks and knowing that I would love company, even for 10 minutes, a FB 'how are you doing' just doesn't cut it.
anyways, its hard to move forward when there is not as much support and love coming towards you. I just want to roll over and it be 3 months later. I don't know what I want to do after this whole thing. I am thinking of unfriending those that i seriously thought did care on FB and giving them the same cold shoulder when i actually see them. Or do i just pretend that this never happened and look the other way?
I think the worst is that I am miserable emotionally. I had sent out an email to close friends to gently remind them of my status and not to forget about me. Its scary how this situation really does show peoples real feelings. I really feel that its ok to say that you are friends with me and even say that you care. But seriously, when you know I have been home for at least 2 weeks and knowing that I would love company, even for 10 minutes, a FB 'how are you doing' just doesn't cut it.
anyways, its hard to move forward when there is not as much support and love coming towards you. I just want to roll over and it be 3 months later. I don't know what I want to do after this whole thing. I am thinking of unfriending those that i seriously thought did care on FB and giving them the same cold shoulder when i actually see them. Or do i just pretend that this never happened and look the other way?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
16 days post op and i am miserable
I've been home for about 2 weeks. I had my visitors come and go and now i am left home a lone most of the time. The weather got better and it seems that everyone has forgotten about me. Its like they all did their deed and moved on while i sit in this house to rot. I don't want to bother people to feel obligated to come visit but i am bored and lonely. I can't do much of anything and worse is that i can't do anything for my kids.
People say that this is when i really see who supports and cares about me the most and right now i am feeling that no one does. No phone calls, no text messages. They all hear that i am doing 'ok' and thats good enough for them to move on with their lives. IM STILL HERE! I have nothing but pajamas, i can't wear underwear. I am uncomfortable, i can't sleep, and worst of all, i can't even look at myself in the mirror.
Ryan says that iu should put myself on the kids schedule again so i can be up when they are so that next week will be easier! WTF? is he going back to work? am i going to have to EVERYTHING again? I can't even reach the fucking bowls to make cereal..oh wait, i can barely lift the milk even if the bowls were accessible.
Whn I see what i see here and people tell me that this is where i will see who really cares about me. i just want to sit in a hole and stay there because thats where everyone sees me. They don't want me or need me. I think i saw 1 person this week that wasn't obligated to see me (like inlaws)
Today, i am sorry i did this. My heart feels so terrible.
People say that this is when i really see who supports and cares about me the most and right now i am feeling that no one does. No phone calls, no text messages. They all hear that i am doing 'ok' and thats good enough for them to move on with their lives. IM STILL HERE! I have nothing but pajamas, i can't wear underwear. I am uncomfortable, i can't sleep, and worst of all, i can't even look at myself in the mirror.
Ryan says that iu should put myself on the kids schedule again so i can be up when they are so that next week will be easier! WTF? is he going back to work? am i going to have to EVERYTHING again? I can't even reach the fucking bowls to make cereal..oh wait, i can barely lift the milk even if the bowls were accessible.
Whn I see what i see here and people tell me that this is where i will see who really cares about me. i just want to sit in a hole and stay there because thats where everyone sees me. They don't want me or need me. I think i saw 1 person this week that wasn't obligated to see me (like inlaws)
Today, i am sorry i did this. My heart feels so terrible.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
10 days post op?
I thi k I am about 10 days since the surgery. Doing ok. The itches are all gone, healing is going on an di am beyond uncomfortable. Iq am no longer seeing people jumping to help us. My dad is visiting my nephew, and my inlaws are in the ham tons. So guess what? We have the kids all weekend, alone. How that's going to pan out I don't know. There is not 5 minutes I have with my kids, together or separate, that I feel relaxed. Theybstress me out, they aggrivate me and they know they do it. I can't say that the husband helps cause he thinks he can leave 1 with me to watch tv with me and after 5 minutes they want this or that and I can't give it to them or stop them. Wonderful.
Hubby is really getting to me. I gave him all morning to take care of morning things. The only thing I needed was for him to change the sheet on my chair because I have been sweating like crazy at night and I woke up soaking wet, again. So while he was upstairs I asked him to change the sheet and all I got was adorned. He did do it, but you wonder if it's hard to demal with the kids. Yea it is but it's your job and also to deal with thebcrap that is unexpectedly piled ontop. Sorry if I'm a burden.
He leaves me unfed. There really isn't anything in the house I can make on my own. A bagel would require me to dig through t he freezer, a bowl of cereal required me to lift the milk and opening the fridge, a granola bar is in the cabinet that is impossible to open in the first place. I don't need to eat. Maybe I'll just knaw at the wood of the doorways. Termites do it, I guess it's good enough for me too.
Today all I see him do is sit at his computer. Occasionally go downstairs etc etc. Mira comes home and her bag was never unpacked so hours later while it was on the table I open it and pull her crap out. All hot and ready for the mold to set in. I told him from the getgo that as soon as the kids get home you have to empty them. Mold is not fun and try explaining to your 4 year old diva her favorite baithing suit is in the garbage because dad refuses to listen to mommy and he ruined it. I can't even count the times we have had to throw perfectly good clothes, towels, furniture even rugs away becausenof his lack of listening to simple instructions and mold as a result.
I nave been doing the fun task of doing my drains so his job is to log and dump the cups. I have asked him over and over again not to dump the drains in my sink because it sits in the trap and I can smell it when I walk into my bathroom. I know he runs the water but please, must turn around and put it in the toilet. Today he waited all day to log my drains and I know he dumped them in my sink. Can you imagine the stench? Then just before I went to bed I did my drains and right in front of me he goes to dump it I. The sink. hOLYSHIT? Are you fucking serious? It's lime the baithinbg suit thing and mold. It's disgusting!
You know, I totally get that I have to let things go and let him do things his way but there are things that are done for a reason. Not just me, but everyone, does for a reason. He didnt know how to do things before this, why the fuck would you just not do the new things the way I asked? It's like when you do a wash you always use soap. I ask him to use soap and he fucking refuses to use it.
Hubby is really getting to me. I gave him all morning to take care of morning things. The only thing I needed was for him to change the sheet on my chair because I have been sweating like crazy at night and I woke up soaking wet, again. So while he was upstairs I asked him to change the sheet and all I got was adorned. He did do it, but you wonder if it's hard to demal with the kids. Yea it is but it's your job and also to deal with thebcrap that is unexpectedly piled ontop. Sorry if I'm a burden.
He leaves me unfed. There really isn't anything in the house I can make on my own. A bagel would require me to dig through t he freezer, a bowl of cereal required me to lift the milk and opening the fridge, a granola bar is in the cabinet that is impossible to open in the first place. I don't need to eat. Maybe I'll just knaw at the wood of the doorways. Termites do it, I guess it's good enough for me too.
Today all I see him do is sit at his computer. Occasionally go downstairs etc etc. Mira comes home and her bag was never unpacked so hours later while it was on the table I open it and pull her crap out. All hot and ready for the mold to set in. I told him from the getgo that as soon as the kids get home you have to empty them. Mold is not fun and try explaining to your 4 year old diva her favorite baithing suit is in the garbage because dad refuses to listen to mommy and he ruined it. I can't even count the times we have had to throw perfectly good clothes, towels, furniture even rugs away becausenof his lack of listening to simple instructions and mold as a result.
I nave been doing the fun task of doing my drains so his job is to log and dump the cups. I have asked him over and over again not to dump the drains in my sink because it sits in the trap and I can smell it when I walk into my bathroom. I know he runs the water but please, must turn around and put it in the toilet. Today he waited all day to log my drains and I know he dumped them in my sink. Can you imagine the stench? Then just before I went to bed I did my drains and right in front of me he goes to dump it I. The sink. hOLYSHIT? Are you fucking serious? It's lime the baithinbg suit thing and mold. It's disgusting!
You know, I totally get that I have to let things go and let him do things his way but there are things that are done for a reason. Not just me, but everyone, does for a reason. He didnt know how to do things before this, why the fuck would you just not do the new things the way I asked? It's like when you do a wash you always use soap. I ask him to use soap and he fucking refuses to use it.
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