Another rant.

I havent been feeling all that great the past few days. I have no idea what it is and I am a bit worried and for many reasons. I feel like my doctors do not take me seriously. I say something hurts and they blow it off to be a stupid thing. I dont work out or I do eat that great so it MUST be my fault (sense my sarchasim?) Anyways. i get got my blood report back from this new doctor i went to and my cholesteral is high and there is a note that my thyroid levels are slightly low. What? No phone call? No conversation about this? No thoughts on how to handle it? So once again, its put right back in my hands to figure it out. Maybe I should just be a doctor?

My muscles all hurt. I cant really lift my left arm because it feels like i dislocated it and its too sore to move that much. The rest of my body pretty much feels the same. Achy and lethargic. I have actually been sleeping at night. Thats a first. I know i have been spending the past few days preparing for passover and my slew of family to come over and eat my delicious food. But i usually do not feel the kill till after its all over. KWIM?

Anyways, while I am preparing for this holiday I have been getting no help. The husband keeps complaining that there are no socks for him. There are no clean clothes for Mira..etc etc. Well..ive been spending al my time cleaning the SHIT off my sons pants!!! Literally. Yesterday i had to scrub my washer because the poop was all over the lining. It was so friggin gross.Anyway..i have been asking the husband to do so many thiongs. Yersterday I asked him to make room in the garage to put my crayon stuff so what does he do? He CLEANS OUT the garage and lsists things on craigslist. This is not the time to do that. I need all winters worth of jackets put away, i need wine glasses from the basement, napkins, someone to go get the last minute things like EGGS that I ran out of. Set the table, keep the kids out of the kitchen, put the ladder away, put the black garbage bag outside so I dont trip on the toys we threw out in there the other day..you get the picture. Of courdse he thinks i am not doing anything and is wondering wht the fuck i am doing. I have been cooking for 3 days straight. Thats right. Kugels, matzo balls, cranberry sauce, charoset, tzimmis, matzo bark...i cant even remember what else. But remember, i am doing this for 2 nights. Not just one. AND im having over 16 people each night.

The husband just came up to ask if he can go ship stuff and leave. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY NAPKINS???????? And he asks me when am i going to fold the laundry thats in the basement? WHAT?

Tomorrow is my moms yeirtzeit. I cant wait till we have our therapy session on friday!

If i called you right now

this past year i have had some real big dips in my moods and they have been really bad. Today was ALMOST one of those days. I think i have been gettinga  better grip on these things and not resorting to the thoughts that the world around me would be better off without me.

Lets start out that this morning my kids tore through a lounge pillow and left the remains all over my room. Jory fought me tooth and nail about getting to school for one reason or another (i just dont have the energy to explain everything) He had a half day, refused to do homework, fought me about picking mira up, fought me on the snack, fought me about going home, then she started in on him and the 2 of them together is a nightmare and a half. If you wanted to kill yourself before with just one kid, the 2 of them together will make it ok to have a long and painful death as long as you are not near them. Trust me!

We get home and they refuse to stay seperate then they fought like a married couple. Over and over and over...its just too much to type, still. I called the hubby a few times to vent a bit. Then he gets home and makes everything 3000 times worse. Again, not gonna get into it.

People always say 'you can call me' and blah blah blah but i really wonder if i did call any of those people today would they really let me cry to them, tell them that my liufe sucks big time and that i just wish my kids were not the way they were. Sometimes i even want to say i wish i only had one. Which one? Doesnt matter..the 2 of them together, like i said,  are a NIGHTMARE. I just dont really know if people really want to listen.

Now i am off to put Mira to sleep and I hope to the powers above that when the boys get home, i do not have to yell or scream or blow my top or hold it in or anything like that. I dont think my body and mind can handle anymore. Really, i cant.

Photography

I am in discussions with a  photographer/friend to help me photograph the beauty of my boobs. We are discussing what to do, how and where. I really was thinking abstract images of the shapes of the breasts and so on. No real faces, i mean, i cant say that I am a model type, but I wanted a documented photo essay of what I have now, and then what i have later. I mean, i will only have these things until the end of june, so why not?

Anyone have any ideas of what i can do? anyone have any artsy photos about breasts? or any sites i can look at?

I have the flu or something like it

this sucks! Seriously! Sunday I was making paper outside for a recycle project for my daughter and that night I started with a sore throat. I couldn't sleep (yea thats not a surprise) and monday I get the kids to school and I went to meet and see a new inernist. I felt ok. Like i had a cold. Sore throat, stuffy nose and a bit tired. The tired was assumed to be from not sleeping the night before. I got through the day but barely. By the time hubby got home I was out of it. I was weak and tired and just needed to get to sleep. He said I was out cold by 8 or so and slept through till the morning.

This morning Jory slept through his alarm, and I couldnt stop hitting the snooze button. After struggling and then getting the kids to school, I came home. I was thinking of just napping till I hadto get Mira, but after I ate my breakfast//or even before..i knew i wasnt going to be able to get out of bed. I was so weak i couldnt lift the spoon to shovel some frosted flakes inside of me. I made a few phone calls to have MIL pick up Mira, cancel a vet appointment (you try dealing with 2 kids and a 22 pound cat on a GOOD day). As I was on my way up to my bed I get a call from the plastic surgeon. Turns out that I have to see the breast surgeon in order to set the date. Didnt know that.

Anyways, i made an appt with the breast surgeon for next wednesday and probably that evening I will have the official date of my surgery. I cannot believe that it is already halfway through April. maybe god is making this month go so quickly cause its such a shitty month for me. Moms death anniversary is fast approaching, her yeirszeit, her birthday just a few days later. This month sucks!

So, aside from the breast stuff, i was planning on getting started on some cooking for next week, cleaning and stuff. Not happening. I cant even get to the kitchen to get a glass so i can drink some water. I think i may just stick my head under the faucet. Right now I am on  a motrin high and trying to get stuff ready for the night and tomorrow. My glass for water is now next to my bed and Jorys lunch is almost packed. Mira is sleeping over the in-laws so i am hoping for a smooth night and morning. Tomorrow i see my therapist and i just hope i make it. Ill just keep myself on heavy doses of motrin all day. In-laws keep telling me that i cant possible feel so horrible because i dont have a fever. Sometimes, they can just really irritate me down to my bones. Well, if thats true then i MUST have a really high fever, huh?

Just a reminder

DO A SELF BREAST EXAM NOW!

Psychic and doctors appointments

I am really getting down with doing all the things I need to do. I have made a gazzillion doctors appointments, i am looking for babysitters to help with Mira over the summer, i am already looking into recipes for me to make and freeze. I still did not get the phone call that it is a definate date, but a tentative date is good enough for me.

A few things came up in the past few days. I might have mentioned this, but I really want to get a belly piercing. When this is all done and over with, hopefully my belly will be nice enough to show off in a tankini or something. I want a belly ring!

We were at my cousins this past weekend and Steve showed us his tattoos. Awesome..he did get one with his wifes image as a classy hooker, but it was cool. I said out loud, probably for the first time ever that i want a tattoo. The hubby was all ok with it. So i decided that I want a tattoo and ill get it when the big surgery is done. I want to get a simple butterfly with my kids names coming out of its flewn path. I can see it in my head and i am really excited about it. Once i get it on paper, ill post a picture of it. I mean, if i am going to get nipple tattoos put on, why not go all the way, huh?

I went to psychic night on thursday at my JCC. She is a medium and this time it seemed that my mother has finally come through. The psychic said that my mom was yelling at her that 'her line has been busy' and that mom couldnt get through all this time. Mom said that she heard me the night before she passed. (I wonder if she really did) I was told that I have to not need her and she will be able to move on and always be with me. I have to let go and know that its ok even though I wasnt able to resolve differences with her. She threw a pink flower towards me and said she loved me. Unfortunately I really didnt feel there was much substance to the reading. Now I am dying to go to another and see if she comes through then too. I will most likely go to Robert Hanson in May. OH, she also said that what had taken my mother, cancer, is not going to be my path to the other side. Now i wonder if that means I am doing the right thing to take care of this or that i shouldnt do this because breast cancer will not get me ever. Its so hard and i wish i didnt believe in things like this, but i do and now i am reading into this in every direction.

ok, i have to get Jory to bed. Night!