Happy New Year 5771

Last night I had my hubbys side of the family over including my father and his girlfriend. There was a healthy 23 people in my dining room that extended through to the living room. I believe the most I have had is 28. I just love having all these people here. Yes, its crazy and crowded and a very big job for me, but it fills me in a different way. I love caring for the people around me. Making their favorite dishes. Making an effort to make sure everyone has something they like. I just love doing the holidays and having all these people in my home, sharing their special days with us.

The new year is always a bittersweet time for me. 5 years ago my husband and I were in the midst of recovering from a house fire. Things were looking up and construction began by the new year. It was going to be a good year. While I was at the house I got a phone call from my father. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and it had spread to her brain. Well, the happy new year was not so looking good at all. 7 months later, my mom passed (during passover).

It just seems like all the good things that are there for us keeps getting tainted by such horrible things. I suffer from extreme anxiety and I have a very creative and overactive imagination. Although I take medication and 'rationalize' with myself, its always there. Somewhere in my head.

This year, my New year was looking wonderful. I have a handle on something I can control and something i will be able to do for myself and feel good in the end. I got a phone call from my mothers best friend whom i reguard as a second mother with some terrible news. I need to write all separate about it in a different post. This woman is a survivor in many many ways. She is a breast cancer survivor on top of all of that. I love her as much or even more than i did my own. I am devistated and really confused. She told me that she is very proud of me for taking control of my BRCA status and doing something about it. Mostly, that made me feel 100% better about the choices I made and the ones I will in the future.

Happy new year. Think positively through even the worst. Thats the only way to survive. (im trying, im trying!!)