Today I saw my therapist. We talked a bit about the issues I have with the son's potty'ing problems, life in general, getting things a bit more in order and the only negative thing was that I am constantly pulling teeth with my beloved to try to not worry about little things and enjoy time with his family. So I was just talking to him about what i talked with the doctor about and how i feel like he really doesn't appreciate life for its beauty. That we are not here forever and a clean house is no where as important as a day at the beach with your family. Especially when the weather has been absolutely gorgeous. No, he would rather send the kids to his parents and spend a day cleaning up the house. If i don't do it with him, he makes me feel guilty and says things like 'I get more things done in 1/2 a day than you get done in a week.' Yea well, that really doesn't help my self esteem, my drive to want to do anything and pretty much makes me want to crawl under a rock and die.
He knows depression is a very sensitive thing with me. I have been battling it my whole life and lately I have been trying really hard to live positively. Hearing Linda's news the other day really hit home with me that we are not here forever. We will not be here as long as we expect and that every day is a gift. I want to live happily. I want great memories for my kids so that when I am gone one day, they will think of the good things. Not the bad.
He even told me tonight that he doesn't even know what the signs of depression are. I had to describe them (off of a website, of course) I had to explain the little things that I am doing to try to get myself in a more positive mind-frame, trying to live happily, making sure I don't spend my days in bed or wanting to just be in bed.
Sometimes I am just scared that it is just him that is holding me back. He has never been faced with the scare of death. Even if it is just a promise of cancer, a ruptured cyst that they tell your parents that they dont even know if their daughter will make it through the night, the fear that the world is going to end tomorrow, that i will die in my sleep, that i will do anything to keep one bad thing away and something else will kill me instead. A house fire that was hours away from engulfing your 4 month old child, watching your mother die of a horrible and painful death. These are just things that make you realize that life is a bit more precious than you thought it was a few hours before. You look at your life and say that you want to live positively, happily and with no regrets.
So, unless your going to have a life changiong event happen to you, dont mock me for trying to make my own life a better place for ME to live with.
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